Catching Light
It’s hard for me to find my way. Alone and lost and without a light. Lately I’ve been running in circles, trying to find my way in the night. The light is what keeps me warm, it helps me make it through the day. Now I’m so cold all the time, please warm me, you know the words to say. I’m trying to be the light for everyone, the pressure will make me crack. It’s impossible to do alone when I’m out here in the black.
Take every chance, drop every fear.
Everything is changing. Day by day we don’t notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought were going to be there forever, aren’t, and people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of it now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories.
Taken: August 11, 2011 / 6:02 PM
Get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.
Went somewhere quiet and nice this afternoon and had some time with myself. It’s been so long since I think and stare in nowhere. Time runs so fast, and I’m having a hard time to cope up. People know me for being the optimistic person. I don’t let bad things get in to me. Throughout these years, I learnt to always look and see clearly both sides of the road. Take left if left is better than right, and vice versa. That’s one of the few of my simple rules in life. Right now, I don’t feel lost, or empty, it’s just that… it feels that…. something is missing. Oh! Cliche as it may sound, but that is. It’s like I am running as fast as the ticking of the clock but something part of me was left behind.
But after today.. I feel more relaxed. And while sitting on the grass, I realized something.. I don’t need to hurry. Life happens, enjoy it! Feel it. And be sensible enough for the great things that may come our way. And I also realized that maybe, I was just feeling a little scared to make mistakes. But mistakes happen for a reason. So it’s okay. It happens to teach you a lesson you would otherwise never learn. Ugh! Life is beautiful! So I should be happy! Dear me, Smile! :)
Memories are the best souvenirs…
I’ve been doing this diary thingy since time immemorial. It’s not like I really write my everyday activity but I really made sure that important memories are well kept. Our temporal lobe can only handle so much, our memories might fade not unless you have something to read about your past. Something that can remind you about the people you meet in this lifetime and the lessons they gave you. When I was younger, I even tried making a list of names of all the people I know or let me say I consider as friends. But I lost track along the way. I was thinking, when I die, I want this list to be in my coffin, so these people will know that I truly cherish them deep down in my heart. And for these thought, it might left a mark not only in their hearts, but also in their souls. I am so melodramatic (almost sounds lunatic), I know, but yeah, I am that kind of person.
What faith can do..
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do…
Those times that you feel like you’re not doing the right things, or you’re existence is not worthy enough to stay alive (?) Sometimes, you want something. Or you want to go somewhere. But you don’t know what to do for that to be dome or you don’t know where to start to get there. It seems like they are just hopeless dreams. You feel so lost. And that’s me sometimes. But I always remind myself that The Author of my life is writing great things for me. I just have to listen. Listen carefully. Start moving. And keep my faith.
P.S. I really love that song. (What Faith Can Do by Kutless) And while writing this entry I remember that I once wrote those lines in my journal.
It’s kind of crappy but whatever, I love those lines. Anyway, the photograph is for my sky theraphy blog. If you love the perfect canvas of all time which is the sky, you can enjoy that blog with me. <3
I need you to know today, I’ll wait for you always…
An old photo from my unfinished Project 365 a couple of years ago. The description goes like this..
I took the photo at the park late this afternoon. Sometimes, it’s just so good to sit there and look up and see the beauty hanging just above you. How funny that most people look under because they are too afraid to get tripped or something. Not knowing that getting tripped along the way is part of this life, but looking at ordinary things and see the beautiful side of it is something else.. Hope you get what I mean. Xoxo.
The movie “ADAM” brought me that song. Wonderful movie, with wonderful soundtracks. And after all these years, I still listen to the song, and just like the old days, I still feel warm inside everytime I hear it. Waiting. The word can bring, happiness, sadness and never ending hope. I don’t know about the thoughts of others about this. But, for me, sometimes, waiting is such a lonely word. Especially, if you are uncertain for that one thing you’ve been waiting for to come all your life will really be there someday. On the other hand, waiting can also be a gift. It test our patience and determination. Just like what the wise men say, “Patience is a virtue”. And remember, “Best things come to those who wait”. You can read a book, meet new people, go nature hiking, do whatever that makes you happy while waiting. I think, what I am trying to say is, you can choose to suffer and be lonely, but you can also choose to live your life happily while waiting for that magical moment/person/thing to come along your way.
And as for me, I am waiting for someday.. :)
It’s too late to cry, too broken to move on..
{{The Playlist}}
Listening to music can either make you feel better or worse. I think you guys will agree to me if I say, whether the song can make you feel lonely, you will still listen to it. Because yeah, we love to torture ourselves. Even though it’s really unnecessary for us to be lonely. Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain. And you can’t have a rainbow, without a little rain, right? But that’s not a ticket for loneliness and misery. Well, I am guilty for that, we all are. And with my current playlist, I think, it makes me feel both, lonely and happy…
I thought our love will last forever
We’re sharing our dreams and made them together
But those days are all gone
Now I’m here, crying with no one…
Found this words from my super old journal. Ugh.. those days. Was I really that sad when I wrote this? I don’t even remember writing this. But I do know the person behind it. And I miss him. I miss you.. Just like the saying goes.. If I’m out of time and I could pick one day, one moment and keep it new, of all of the days I have lived - I would pick the day I met you.
Wrapping things up.
It’s been a long time since I took self-portraits. Maybe because, I had issues. Whatsoever! Heee~ But really, I missed this. Hello there, vintage cameras. I’d been planning a lot lately, mostly about my future. I’ve been stuck for a year looking forward for only one thing, but unfortunately, dreaming is totally a different thing from reality. So here I am, picking all the pieces of my life, and trying to figure out where to put them back. I am too happy and contented right now. I don’t have money, I don’t have a lover, I don’t even have all the things that people wanted to have, but still, I am happy. :)
I wouldn’t say that being single is better than being in a relationship/having someone to love and care, because really, everytime I hear people say that, I laughed inside. Why? Because it sounds really pathetic and yeah, BITTER. Hahahaha~ I don’t feel any bitterness at the moment, but I admit, there are nights and days I feel lonely. Maybe, I have finally reached the part where I don’t feel hurt anymore, even if I see someone with him that’s not me. I already accepted the fact that we are better off as friends. I have learned a lot from the past, and I think that is what’s really important. So, if someone new comes along, I know better what to do. It’s not a matter of rushing things, it’s more like finding the most complicated-man-but-you’d-love-to-love-forever kind of thing. Wait, I don’t even know if I should find him, whatever. :P
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
I WANT TO EXIST IN A WORLD WHERE:
- People won’t do anything to hurt another.
- We would all have something that’s REALLY worth fighting for.
- Some of us just won’t quit.
- All of us would know what hanging/holding on really means.
- People would know the difference between trust and betrayal.
- Everyone would just learn to see the right way people should be treated.
- There would be no limit on how much we can all take when loving someone.
- Everyone is highly sensitive of other people’s feelings.
- Moving on would equally mean learning how to count from 1-2-3, or maybe A-B-C.
- Seeing someone you love with someone else won’t make you feel like you’re being buried alive, or probably jaded, or just maybe not damned at all.
- We would all learn to see the real worth of a person.
- People could find more strength, maybe more than a hundred ways to make someone stay, and as well as really making them stay.
- People won’t just leave; and most of all…
- Real, unconditional, unfading love exists.
..but then, it can only get this far. We can make a world of our own, but we can never live in it. So what’s left of us to do is to just go through everyday of our lives wishing for something good to happen, maybe waking into a much better, happier, and probably brighter day.
Life isn’t supposed to be perfect. I heard it just has to be worth spending with all the people who cares, and mind not those who does not. It does not guarantee perfect endings, no matter how perfect the beginning was. It does not even give you the advantage of meeting the right person all the time. Sometimes when you’re finally being able to be who you really are, some people in your life.. I mean the most important ones, just starts to actually walk away from you and eventually been walking too far you can’t chase them anymore. And so you just give up. You give up because they’ve ran out of reasons to stay, love, and be with you. And so we are left thinking what went wrong, or if everything went wrong in the first place. And though they have hurt us way too much, why are we even able to be ready to forgive them for everything, still wishing we could take them back. We all get to dread the days where everything was too perfect to believe it actually once happened to you. But there will never be an easy way to deal with it, and it’s complete foolishness if we all let what once was continue to haunt and affect us. So what we do, we pick the good memories, mind not the bad ones and get ourselves to move on and yet silently wishing we could all bring everything back one day, someday. After all, life is full of ironies. When we’ve been hurt this much, all we could ever think of is a world where we’ll be able to be happy..creating all these pseudo-rules about dealing, falling in and out of love. But then, we can never ever live in it. We just can’t.
So here’s to walking the opposite way away from those people. Here’s to finally facing bravely everything that’s left of us. Here’s to letting everything go even though you still love them so so much. Here’s to admitting you’ll be missing him everyday but promising you’ll get through it one day. Here’s to really being happy with whatever/whoever makes him happy and accepting that she is not who you are. Here’s to letting things fall the way they should, the unfair-world way.
Sometimes confrontation is difficult. Sometimes its just easier to write your heart and soul out on a piece of paper.
The beautiful thing about memories is that they are yours, whether they are good, bad or indifferent.. they belong to you. And no matter where life takes you, your memories tie you to where you`ve been.
Don’t know how to take a leap of faith anymore.
People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to take away all the hurt and all the pain…. well I’ve tried that. I’ve tried hiding my sorrows, and covering the sadness in my smile… and what I’ve learned is when it hurts this much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it, no matter how many masks you wear.
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